I met a woman who would change my life forever
Frank: Yesterday shapes today. My 'real' yesterday was at an HIV+ retreat. My involvement at the retreat is part of my renewed outlook on life, also based on the past when things were less bright. I found the retreat invigorating and regenerating, because normally I would have been out buying a six pack of beer instead of meeting with a great 'good karma' group of people and getting a most restorative massage. I was able to avoid my pain medications for the weekend as well - not sure why that was? To me this type of thing is a better choice than some of the choices involving alcohol I've made in the past. My sister is a Reiki practitioner, soon to take her Mastership, and she's shared with me the value of natural healing systems. I'm overcoming an alcohol dependence, and so involving myself in better choices. I hope to soon commence my own training in massage, and to offer this to others as a way of offering what I know works as a better choice, and to help others feel better. Previously, when I was drinking I was not a nice person - I would get verbally abusive, argue the toss at very point - who's right and who's wrong. That's a narrow street with no light, I found out, and very self-centered. I'm the 'self-centered police' now and can pick it a mileoff in other people! I hope others don't experience me like this in the future, and because my true nature is to have a very warm regard for my fellow human beings, I've chosen to avoid alcohol as much as I can - today and tomorrow. I'm succeeding, and I've learnt so much about myself and made a few commitments to myself about this now - to take myself on a different journey to the one I was on.I've found out all of a sudden I've got compassion - something I never knew I had when I was drinking.
Some people go the wrong way and then don't know how to turn around and go the right way again. We all wallow in self-denial like: "poor me, poor you", and we've been giving an opportunity here, not a load to bear. Mind you, I've become a lot more flexible of other peoples' opinions, needs, or beliefs.
Each new day is a new challenge - a welcome one! You learn something new, experience something new, every day - something you didn't know before. I embrace it. It might be an older person on a bus and you have an occasion to be chatting with them - I respect their age, I respect they know more than I do - they've been here longer. It's yours to keep then, knowledge and wisdom is free.
I'm single now, but was once partnered with a beautiful woman not that long ago. This is how it happened: On the 13th Oct 2000, I met woman who would change my life forever. She was sitting on a bench outside the shopping centre, reading, smoking, and just looking pretty. I said "Hi, I'm Frank. What's your name?" "Karen," she introduced herself. Bad teeth, so I asked when she last saw a dentist (.needless to say, my name is literal). She replied "recently." I asked why she didn't go back, and she said she'd been seeing them for the last five years, and nothing could be done. To make a long story short, I started courting Karen every day, and a week later we were a couple. I spent many memorable moments with her - we were together until the 25th March 2003 - her passing away really knocked me about. I stopped drinking on the 28th of March 2002, and Karen died three days before my first year of sobriety. She was pregnant with my child at the time. I didn't drink - booze could not remove the pain I felt, and I knew that. I spent an incredible amount of time dealing with my grief, through counselling and support. I've emerged knowing that none of us are indestructible, and that life is fragile, but everything happens for a reason - and so. there are two sides to life, opposites, hot and cold, yin/yang.Without compassion or understanding we have no connection. Without self-responsibility and doing something constructive we have nothing to offer ourselves.I thought study was a good way of doing that. It worked. It helped.
Frank can you share some of what you consider are good 'rules for living' if you have HIV?
Frank: I've come a long way. I've overcome HIV dementia. I'm sober now. I'm compassionate. I'm stronger. I'm a better person and so is my health. When you start to feel a lot healthier, you can put HIV on the back burner finally. It's not something you need to freak out about or overly concern you yourself with 24/7.
After a while you learn to know what the virus is doing. I can be in tune with my own body now - you can't do this when you've drunk - always sedated. I nearly died from alcohol. Drinking is bad - I'll write an affidavit to swear to that! I realise treatments are crucial for all sorts of needs, including HIV, but the more unnecessary drugs I can cut down on, the healthier I'm going to be.
A Pub on Every Corner
I must digress, in respect to my alcohol abuse, going clean was the hardest thing I have ever done. Every day I have to tell myself not to fall off the wagon but that's hard, seeing as I live in Brisbane - where there's a pub on every corner.
Frank can you tell me what support you sought to help overcome this?
Frank: Well,.alcohol is a killer. I nearly died from drinking. When you are staring death in the face, and the motivation of having a special person (my fiancé) beside me and supporting me, then that was enough for me at the time. We had an agreement we would marry when I was sober for 2 years. Despite the loss of Karen, my fiancé, I've kept on. I've been sober for 4 years. I have had a beer here and there, but my goal remains utmost in my mind, and that's to keep me sober. I won't allow myself to slip back to where I was.
Further to this I've now given up smoking. I've learnt by seeing my grandfather end up with gangrene with legs amputated, that smoking isn't worth the risk. He smoked a pipe and it doesn't matter what vessel you use to smoke they are all bad. I spoke to a woman from QUIT line last night. I'm taking Zyban, fortunately with no side effects for me. I gave all my Tobacco away. It's been three weeks today Peter since I quit. I don't feel like having a cigarette. They give me headaches, and I don't want that.
Heaven is a Big Place
Frank: As to mourning Karen it took me 12 months of seeing a psychologist. I must say that Emily was a great help. I miss Karen with all my heart. She died on Anzac Day 2003, and this year I will burn a candle all day.
Heaven is a big place I was reminded when I was suicidal with grief. There are no guarantees I would ever find Karen again. She might be in one section and I might be told to go to another! You don't know. I decided to stick with what I do know, despite the struggle and days which felt like I was walking on broken glass.
I hope that remembrance gives you further healing and you enjoy that time.
Frank: It helps me add closure to my feelings. I don't get enjoyment from it.
I didn't mean that it was a joyous occasion; just that it will be a special remembrance time for you and sacred to you.
Frank: I'm going to burn that candle all day. I'll probably cry. Crying helps the healing. I'm working it out. I'm healthy and happy in my skin. So that's it for me so, I wish you all a lovely day.
love from Frank.
Frank was interviewed by Peter Watts This article was republished with the permission of Queensland Positive People
